I just cancelled our flight to San Francisco for tomorrow. It is a mixed feeling of relief about not having to make a long, exhausting trip but also regret about missing out on a something we have been looking forward to. Bye, bye donuts and clifbars and cheep running shoes. I’ll be here with my Swedish cinnamon rolls and work on my recovery instead.
Today is Åland marathon. It feels far away now. I am still at a stage where some days I can’t leave the couch and every day that I can manage a small walk is a victory. I know I would have had a great race and most likely run a time in the 3:30’s if I hadn’t been sick. However, marathoning is a great sport in that you can race and improve until very late in life. I see myself running and racing both marathons and shorter races in the future as well, so I am not feeling too bad about it.
Violentfemme sent me a PM yesterday about a runner/triathlete her mum was working with who had UC and still did great at the sports. That made me happy. It also made me think that I should sign up for Stockholm marathon this spring. Yes, I might have to drop out if I have an episode during training, but so what? It will at least give me something to train for and to look forward to. Maybe I won’t be able to train as hard for it or race it as fast, but it will still be a beacon of light in the non-running tunnel. I was planning on focusing on my dissertation during spring, but one thing I have learned in the last few weeks is to not put off the things that make us happy. Life is *now*, and it is fragile. Running and training for marathons make me happy. It is a stress releaser and my main drug of choice. It makes me feel alive. It is not something I am willing to put on hold. I could have died a few weeks ago and that has made me think differently about a lot of things in life.
Right now any run at all would make me happy. I hope that by maybe next week the cortisone will be down to a level where I feel more like myself and *maybe* then I can venture out for a short walk-jog.
I think I will by myself some new pants. Some that fit. I wasn’t planning to, since I expect to get back into my old ones soon. But my butt is gone. And it looks kind of sad. I have Paris Hiltons flat pancake butt now. And since most of my pants were bordering on being too big before already, they look absolutely hip-hop on me now. The only ones that look remotely ok are my former skinny jeans, which now fit me like regular jeans. So next week I’ll get some cheap smaller pants and start doing lunges!
5 comments:
I'm sorry about your trip and the marathon and baby plans :( It's nice to know that there's people out there with the same illness as you that are still training and running though. Picking something to train towards sounds like a wonderful idea!
When my uncle had bowel cancer he had to have a colostomy bag. He was so positive about everything though, and said that the worst thing about it was not being able to mix his rum with Coke anymore because fizzy things (he found out the hard way...!) have a tendancy to make the bag puff up and pop! I'm crossing all my fingers that you don't have to have that operation, and that the condition can be managed without too many hard drugs.
Big hugs!
Thank you Tanya!
I am trying to stay positive and to keep in mind that although there will be episodes when I am sick, there will also be (hopefully longer) periods of remission when I am feeling good. And so far I have all of my intestines intact! :)I am so happy I didn't have to have acute surgery. I didn't even know it at the time, but obviously they were standing by for it... Maybe being so out of it on medication and not knowing was a good thing!
Hi Jenny. I am sorry about your trip. I think it was the right thing to cancel it. It will be better to go when you are really able to enjoy yourself.
Beth
i bet some better fitting clothes will make you feel a little better when you're out and about. i know that if i wear ill-fitting clothes, i'm convinced everyone is staring at me.
Beth - Yeah, I feel like it was the right decision to stay at home. Traveling like that is always a strain on the body and I don't need that right now. Now I just need to write a ton of letters to get all the money back for tickets and hotels and stuff...
Rose - I did get some jeans on Monday. And I feel much better about my (lack of) butt. In jeans that are the right size it instantly looked better!
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