I don’t know what to write. So much is going through my head. The medication is making me really woozy and confused. I have started talking to myself out loud, like one of those old confused ladies you sometimes see in the subway. It gets better later in the day, but before lunch I am pretty much handicapped. It is the Cortisone, and I hate it. Hate it. My doctor said some people like it because you feel a bit high. Well, it is not my favourite poison. It makes me feel speeded ad slow at the same time. Like I am never awake but I can’t sleep either. I have no idea how it will be possible for me to work while on this medication. I need to be able to *think* at work, to be mentally sharp. I also need to be able to multitask and perform well with my hands. Right now I can barely cook a simple dinner without setting myself on fire.
Those are the mental effects of the medication. I am just starting to check out the physical changes, but it is a little too painful to grasp just yet. I can’t write about that now.
I need a crying break.
Ok, I am back.
At times I feel like I am immersed in this deep blue, still sea of sadness. It is not a raging sea, just a huge flat body of sadness running trough me. Everything around me here in my home *looks* the same but it feels different. So much has changed for me in such a short time that I am lost. I am not the same person who I was two weeks ago. I will find my bearings again and I will grow and learn and be happy again. But right now things are difficult.
To celebrate the small victories in life: I am eating again. I need to phase some things like fiber, peels and beans back in gradually but there is already a lot I can eat that I enjoy. Yesterdays pleasures:
*Yogurt with protein powder, blueberries and low fiber cereal.
*Peeled apple and Lära bar (Ridiculously expensive, but I wanted a treat for the train ride)
*Fish and mashed potatoes
*Peeled apple, carrot juice without pulp
*Roasted butternut squash, roasted peeled peppers, avocado, leek, sesame seeds, roasted salmon with an asian dressing
*Homemade frozen blueberry yogurt ice cream with ginger snaps
And the stomach is fine so far. I love to be able to eat some colourful stuff again. After so many days on just a white sticky liquid drip I was really ready to kill for a vegetable. It was kind of interesting to see what kind of food I missed the most. At times I could have killed for chocolate, but mostly I missed the following: blueberries, oranges, arugula, pomegranate, yoghurt, apples, raspberries and avocado. I am so happy that this disease is not caused or affected by diet, since I would hate to have to live on bland food for the rest of my life. I saw a dietician before I left the hospital and I will see her again later for check-ups. Now I phase things back in and then I will be able to eat as usual, with the possible exception of some very high fat food or during a break-out of active inflammation.
Keeping this positive attitude I will now go put in some make-up and try to go outside for a short walk with Emil. I am so happy to have him. He is such a pillar of support for me. With him I feel understood, supported and loved. He is the best! :love:
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