October 17th

I am trying to stay balanced. Positive, yet realistic.

But there are some days in life you just want to forget about, you know? Days like today, when after finally being able to eat mini portions of white food for 24 hours suddenly I have to go on a fast again. Tomorrow I have a big medical exam.

I am lying in my hospital bed, watching the light fade to pink outside my window. Next to me is a big pitcher of salty laxative stuff. I am supposed to drink four pitchers of it this afternoon, to “cleanse” for tomorrow’s exam. It is just so disgusting. And humiliating. I just want to take my broken-down, poked and prodded body home and crawl away and hide. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be sick. This is such and embarrassing sickness too.

Yesterday was much better. I managed to eat several spoonfuls of white fish and mashed potatoes for lunch and then again for dinner. I had several crackers and tea as a snack and was allowed to be off the IV drip for the night. I am still very heavily medicated, with high doses of antibiotics and cortisone. I feel drowsy and out of it, yet I can’t sleep at night. I can’t wait to get off the cortisone. The doctors seem optimistic, in general. They are a bit concerned bout me losing weight, and I am getting some special drinks and stuff. I will see a nutritionist tomorrow after the other exam and she will give some advice on how to get back on my feet and how/if I need to change something for the long term. Hopefully I will be discharged tomorrow night. But I am learning an important lesson here – patience.

I am on my second pitcher now. I try to think about people who think colon cleansing is a treat. I mean, people do it voluntarily after all. Glamorous people do this same thing at Day Spas in Hollywood. What is wrong with them? Why don’t they just sip expensive seaweed smoothies by the pool instead?

I try to picture my pink, healthy intestines, all pure and pretty for tomorrow’s photo session. At least I will have a pretty good general picture of what I look like on the inside when I leave this hospital. I have seen all my x-rays so far. I have a nice, strong heart, lungs and liver. I also have a nice rib cage and spine. It is always good to know that everything is in place.

Third pitcher. Nature calls.